8 days is a long time.

The past 8 days have almost been a blur for me. I've been going through a ton of emotional crap that I won't even get into. I've realized that everything I am doing is an attempt to transform myself. I'm obviously not happy with a bunch of things in my life (but in reality, is anyone ever completely happy with everything?) but the one thing I have the most control over is myself. My body, my feelings, how I react to things...all of that is controlled by me. I can't let anyone else determine these things for me and I won't. I've been feeling very crappy about myself lately. I feel like I've just let myself go to the point of no return.

I got a scale today. I haven't weighed myself in about 3 months, but I figure if I'm going to try and be healthier I should at least try and keep track of weight, right? So I opened that package up right away and stepped on the thing even though I know it wasn't really the proper time to weigh myself. The results were borderline heartbreaking. I saw a number higher than any number I have ever seen on any scale I have stepped on. It's really interesting how that can ruin your self-esteem in a flash. Like the past three months of me feeling great and fantastic about myself has just been flushed down the drain....all because of a stupid 3 digit number. I know I shouldn't cave and I shouldn't stop thinking that "weight is nothing but a number, how you feel is really what counts" but that's easier said that done. I guess on the plus side, at least I now have something else to work for.

Alright, enough stupid depressing stuff! Back to the point of this blog. I HAVE OFFICIALLY STARTED MY 5K TRAINING!!! I'm super pumped, I went running today and yesterday and the workouts really aren't as hard as I thought they'd be....they are still kind of a struggle though considering I don't run. I'm totally looking forward to the rest of those work outs.

2 down, 28 more to go!

I don't know where to begin with this one.

They say that this is just as much a mental journey as it is a physical one, but what do you do when you just don't feel anything?

The past 6 days, I have been extremely tired and unwilling to do anything physical. I went "running" again on Sunday, I pushed myself harder and improved my times. (hooray) But I just feel like everything else is out of whack for me...mentally. Like I said, I've been really tired. I know my hormones have been playing a part in this (yay for being a woman) but this time it's just bad. I've been eating like crap and I'm sure that doesn't help either.

I'm hoping I can get out of this stupid funk I'm in. Any tips or advice?

The sore leg feelings.

So as I said in my last blog, I actually went "running" today. It was a nice 81 degrees and sunny this morning when I made my venture. I pulled a super noob mistake and forgot to properly stretch (I know, right?) so I was feeling it in my legs a lot sooner than I should've and now my thighs are sore. Tomorrow when I wake up, more of me will probably be sore. I used an app called MapMyRun on my phone and my results were not fantastic at all. In fact, I'd say they are rather pathetic...but like I said before, you have to start somewhere. I'm actually excited to see myself improve. When I was done my legs felt like jelly, I missed that feeling. I remember when I used to play basketball over the summer when I was in middle/high school, running around and working up a sweat in the hot weather, I don't know why but that was always my favorite time to play. So running today brought back some of those feelings for me. It felt great.

I'm also happy to say that my big sissy has decided to run this 5k with me in October! :) I'm super stoked to have someone doing this with me. :)

The internet is my accountability partner.

Now, let me just start this whole thing off by saying that I haven't posted anything lengthy on the internet in a very long time. I used to have multiple livejournal and xanga(lol) accounts when I was in high school and the few years after but they were mostly filled with sob stories and super dramatic teenage angst. I'm glad to say that I have significantly grown up since then, although there are still a few things I have yet to grow out of.

Two of those things, which are the main reasons why I am even typing this right now, are my laziness and my lack of motivation. In other words, I can definitely talk the talk but when it comes to actually walking to the walk...eh, not so much. Now I might eventually get there but it's a super difficult task for me. I tend to make things a lot harder than they have to be. But hey, I wouldn't be me if I didn't do these things. I'm also the type of person who is better expressing myself on the world wide web than I am in real life. I know that probably sounds weird but a lot of people can probably relate to this.

So yeah...back to the real point of all of this. I've been through a lot of things in the past few years and sadly, the only thing I have ignored is myself. I've spent way too much time and energy focused on trying to make other people happy in my life and have hoped for acceptance from others that I completely lost myself for awhile there. When the new year started, I entertained myself with a few resolutions. One was to eat healthy (....typical) and another was to get a new job (or at least make it so that I only have one job, instead of two) and lastly I said I wanted to run a 5k before the end of the year. Does anyone ever even stick to these? Anyways, the job one is definitely some joke even though I'm actually convinced that having 2 jobs is very slowly killing me.

But then there's the other 2 ones. I'm kind of proud to say that I am eating healthier than I was at the beginning of the year, of course there is room for plenty of improvement in this aspect of my life...but I'm a foodie. I love food. I love big-fat-slutty-greasy-heartattackinducing food. It seems like my "cheat" days turn into "cheat" weeks though. I am slowly teaching myself to make healthier choices though. Instead of breakfast sandwiches every morning, I choose fruit and yogurt with granola. I consider myself to be a "real" girl. I'm 5 foot 5, not skinny, not fat..just pudgy I guess. I don't even know how much I weigh anymore since I haven't stepped on a scale in like 3 months. Mostly because I fear what that stupid number might be and then all of that self-confidence I have built up in the past couple of months gets completely shot and I drown my sorrows in ice cream and french fries or something.

The last one, the 5k. The first time I mentioned this to anyone, I just kept thinking to myself "lol I'll die if I ever run a 5k." Seriously. I probably will......but I'm doing it anyways. I signed up for one last week. I honestly have no idea what I am in for with all of this...but you all get to endure this with me. I figured that if I blogged my progress, it would totally help me stay motivated and keep me check. Not only with my "running" but with my eating habits too and all of my pilates and yoga doing. There's really no better time than now to start working towards a happier and healthier Caitlin. :)

Tomorrow I will go running for the first time in about 10 years and by running I probably mean walking/speed walking for about 5 minutes until I get bored and/or want to die. But hey, you have to start somewhere, right?